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"In the end, it doesn't really matter."

So I completely bombed this semester. I dont know what it was it just happened. About October, midway through, I just gave up.
Painting teacher said I might be able to pass if my final project wow'd him. It didnt, and my portfolio review was kind of like, "Why did you even bother to show up, its obvious that you're not going to pass."
English teacher said if I turned in all my work, I might still pass. I turned it all in, but again it was shite, and he failed me, too.
Sculpture was just a scratch after the first week.
I lost something that I had had going into the semester. And I can't find it again.
Where is the self confidence?
Where is the drive?
Its gone. My spark is gone. I dont enjoy much anymore. Drawing is crap, writing is crap, the only thing I like right now is reading. And I am reading. I'm reading a lot more than I probably should be. I think I've read 5 books in the past 2 days. I have nothing else.
If anything, its just an escape for me. I've always been able to get lost in books. So I haven't stopped. I just want to get lost in it.
Next semester, if they let me come back, should be much better. The classes are easier, and the teachers will be better. Not that the teachers this semester were bad, they just... weren't there for me. Not like I needed them to be. They were aloof, informal. The reason I go to a small school is so that I can get one on one help... they just never seemed to have time for that. Luckily next semester I've had some of the teachers before, and I know how good they are. Yay me.
I dont know whats wrong with me. hopefully my three weeks at home will sober me up and get me back into my groove.
Maybe I need to start journaling hardcore again.
When I was in Maryland, I'd wake up and write three pages of stuff, without thinking, stream of conciousness. I should start that again. That was good for me. Cleared my head.
And its not like I dont have 15 blank journals right now. Ha ha.
Ive been trying to write stories lately, but they keep coming out with the same plots as some anime that I've seen.
Stupid things. Whyyyy dont I have an original bone in my body? Jesus.

I feel like an idiot.
Go on, berate me.
I deserve it.

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Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
syrenshaeda
Dec. 12th, 2008 03:35 pm (UTC)
I think.. maybe you should take a year off? Unless you think next semester will be better, and that you can do better.

I don't know. 8 weeks of holiday didn't help my motivation XD
squirrelygurl
Dec. 12th, 2008 07:20 pm (UTC)
I dont know. I took a year and half off already, and i only have about a year and a half left. My mom says that if i dont think that this is what i should be doing that theres no reason to be wasting all the time and the money on it. I mean, whats the point? If I'm not learning or benefitting from teh experience, then why should I do it?
On the other hand in this economy having a college degree is pretty important. Almost a necessity to get the hell out of retail. I'm not particularly looking to work at Walmart for the rest of my life. Even if they do pay me gobs of dollars to do so.
delusional_d
Dec. 12th, 2008 03:38 pm (UTC)
If it makes you feel any better, I don't think your art is crap. :)

But we can both agree that you need to get focused on school work. And I know it's really tough when you have relationship & family bs going on. **Hugs**
squirrelygurl
Dec. 12th, 2008 07:23 pm (UTC)
I thank you. It means a lot when people have good things to say about my art. I just dont ... LIKE anything I've put out recently! I dont know what it is, but I look at my sketchbook and DA with a hint of revulsion.
I just need to take the time and actually focus for once. I think right now my attention span is completely out of whack, and my priorities are not in line with what they should be. That may be the problem.
queen_mage
Dec. 12th, 2008 06:54 pm (UTC)
I love you, Katie. :)

Things will work out hun- they always do. And I'll be here for you no matter how they work out.

squirrelygurl
Dec. 12th, 2008 07:23 pm (UTC)
Love you too, Kar-man. *hugs*
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )